Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

good for her

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON