Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

This January has 47 Mondays

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.