Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

my favorite genre of twitter

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.