Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}