Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

This was the best day of my life

Camel dough

just having fun

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Well, that didn’t work.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood