Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

fair

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.