Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for