Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.