Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

watching gymnastics