Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again