me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Lucky old June.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.