Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Living the best life.. 😊

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

.

My patience has stretch marks.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding