Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I hope Alan is OK
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*