Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

Social distancing in Australia:

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.