Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally