Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.