Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO