Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I am a gravy boat captain
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!