Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you