Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Usage Guidelines

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

🏙👨🏼

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]