Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Beware of the dog..

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

Erm…

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.