Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend