Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

me when i smell free food in the break room

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?