Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

I am HOWLING at this

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going