me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Camping tip: No.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”