me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
when someone rings the doorbell
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot