Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.