Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur