Me :
All Day At Night
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$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
no exceptions
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Yup
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
