Me :
All Day At Night
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
A drum solo but on your face.