Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.