Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.