Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.