Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Never forget.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

*eating catfish*

This looks nothing like it did on the menu

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3