Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

U talkin 2 me?

Ion see the issue

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen