@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@Muath_tu

My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.

@seamussaid

I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels

@AGreaterMonster

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.

@PJTLynch

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

@SvnSxty

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

@TheCamJude

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

@Quadricycle

*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec