Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.