Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂