Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.