Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

happy halloween

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.