ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
😂😂
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Grew big
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to