ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.