ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
can you read it!!??
maan!
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[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.