dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Time heals everything 🙂
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?