ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
plums roundup
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant