Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.