Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.