Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
