Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels