Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead