PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT
[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
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Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
at banned camp,
I felt really excluded.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows