[me all weekend]

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi


Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.


Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.


They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.


Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*


The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.


i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.


[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows