@UnFitz

Me: All you need is love.

Her: I just saw you mug a grandmother at Wal Mart for an 8-pack of Cottonelle.

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@AnOrangeSNES

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

@brawnkoko

How y’all take 15-30 minute nap mine be like 2-4 hours 😭😭😭🤣🤣🤣

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@causticbob

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@SondraDeeMe

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

@KalvinMacleod

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing