kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
This guy gets it.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed