Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

I love the honesty

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Just added something to my bucket list.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?