Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
No laws when master is gone
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.