Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.