*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Beauty and the Beast
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
mechanics be like
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund