*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
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I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.