Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.