Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”

Embarrassed chicken closes her legs

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.