Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You Might Also Like
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
calling in to work dehydrated
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors