Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

necessity is the mother of invention

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED