Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
The cycle continues
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Who says great literature is dead?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE