Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You Might Also Like
May never get over this
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
accurate
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?