me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Florida man
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%