me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*