me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though


“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”



This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.


like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?


2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]


Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.


Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.