@lloydrang
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
@dadmann_walking
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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@lloydrang
@afiercemind
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
@RobElliottComic
When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
*Puts on dragon costume
*Waits in bushes
@LionJenkins
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Now out
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about
@TheLeslieMommy
Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”
No, I’m just here for the free CNN.
@pizzasauceboss
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
@GrantTanaka
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
@myonlymizztake
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
@CornOnTheGoblin
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles