@dadmann_walking

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

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@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@Sickayduh

“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”

“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*

@Ellani_Belle

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@WornOutMommy

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

@northcoastkevin

If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.

Follow me for more life pro tips.

@ProdigyNelson

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

“shit”

@RichRogersIoT

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

@Darlainky

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

@michaelianblack

I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.