me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

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I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.


When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”

*Puts on dragon costume

*Waits in bushes


Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about


Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.


me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos


Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.


[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles