me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.