I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
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“Dude, what’s with the outfit?”
“Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer”
*hops away in kangaroo costume*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If you wear your jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight.
Follow me for more life pro tips.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.