me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.