me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…