Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

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[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”


If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”


Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing


My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking


[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?


I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.


wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol


Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX