@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

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@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@justmiche74

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

@Jake_Vig

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

@rolldiggity

When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”

@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

@SarahSurgey1

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking

@prufrockluvsong

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

@DevinRange

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

@pilau

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

@EndhooS

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX