Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill
Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?
Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.
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“Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha”
yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
barista: can i get a name?
me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…
“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”
Blows you, kisses
See proper punctuation is important
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.