Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Children of the corn 🌽