Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Can’t. Being lazy.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.