Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila