Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Fries, not lies.

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

and this one

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”