Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree