Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

the answer was staring at me all along

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense